Family Siblings and Finances

This week I learned about how families are created and maintained with a certain set of rules that are sometimes said and others times just assumed from years of the ways people act or the way people feel comfortable. Also I was reading how when you get married it is a wonderful time but really in a marriage you grow a ton so in the future you would want your spouse to eventually change even though you think that your spouse is the best thing in the world deep down you will want your spouse to improve the more that you learn about them.

A part of these families rules is some financial ones. In these financial rules you can learn based on studies that whoever you marry they act a certain way depending on which child they are born as whether they are the fourth child or the first (being 4 total children). The content is in the the book Til Death Do Us Part by Benard Poduska. I realized that what he was saying on how kids take a role according to what placement they have in the order of 1 to 4  from all the families I have seen including by own and having 3 siblings. I notice how Poduska mentioned the 3^rd middle child liked finances for a familys to be fair. I know that when I was growing up and to this day I really am focused on being fair and I and easy going with whatever budget and seem to be good and making sure everyone is doing well in spending money. I also have seen in my own family how my little brother maxed out his credits cards and how he doesn’t know the difference between things that he needs and things that he wants like using his saving to buy a bunch of junk food. Also my brother that was the oldest does seem to like to make sure he spends money on things he needs and then he loved to spend money on things that are more for fun. I could really apply what poduska showed from professional studies in a family of siblings.

Councils

“Eventually the Church was organized into quorums and councils, with various presidencies appointed "to administer in spiritual things" – M Russell Ballard

I like how the Church of Jesus Christ of Ladder-Day Saints is organized to where the decisions are made based on councils. I like how in the past Joseph Smith was really thankful in sharing his responsibilities to David whitmer and Oliver cowdrey and how he said it was almost to much for him to bear alone. I realize how there are all kinds of people in the church and how with those different people there are different personalities that need the gifts and talents that a overall council has. I thought of how if a bishop of a ward wants to help the ward part of a ward council is that ideas can be mentioned where each part of the ward can have the a portion of time to become familiar with and to be bettered because of a council that can be held where everyone shares thoughts on bettering that group in ward service.  I know in my own family that when my mom and dad were parenting me or my sibling that I was best helped when my mom and dad would come together and join that talents and perspective to you me advice or discipline.

Another quote I like from M Russell Ballard is:

“I don't know that it is possible for any organization to succeed in the Church … without adopting the genius of our Church government. What is that? As I conceive it, the genius of our Church government is government through councils”

No major church decision is made with coming together in church councils to talk about it. I learned that when revelation is received for the whole Church of Jesus Christ of Ladder-Day Saints is when the first presidency and quorum of the twelve come together in the temple (which they do every week) and as a council get that uphold that revelation. I think of how that helps my confidence in the changes of the church to where they aren’t just one person choosing.

Pornography

In 2003 the online service Divorce Online reported that of the 500 divorce petitions it surveyed, half contained allegations concerning cybersex, inappropriate online relationships and pornography,”

“Viewing pornography can lead to loss of attention towards family, guilt and feelings of low- self esteem.”

Divorce doesn’t just happen. My brother and sister in law went through a divorce that didn’t just happen really easily but there was a bit of emotional infidelity from one of them that led them down the path of divorcing and it had to do with online dating site and relationships. But worse than online dating sites effecting couples and individuals is pornography. I read up on how prevalent porn is pornography is viewed and the statistics of it. Some of them I decided to quote:

“There are around 4.2 million pornography websites (12% of total websites) offering about 372 million pages.” – the state of the nation report

“25% of total search engine requests are pornographic” – the state of the nation report

I was amazed as much as you might be that 25 percent of daily engine search requests is pornographic. I think of how much use the internet and how much I love to search on YouTube and it crazy on how much others may be taking up that percentage for sexual explicit things online. I believe we should have better laws on control porn and that it shouldn’t be able to be looked up easily online but instead you should only be able to look at it through a monitored place providing it, like a safe place to wear people you didn’t want to encounter porn would be protected from it popping up online. I think also we should have more school education about it because I remember in my high school that for my sex ed class they didn’t really teach much and I think it was actually part of my normal physical education class. there needs to be better teaching about sex that Is appropriate and government funding to help naturally curious people with learning it. I can only imagine how much families and individuals with better lives if they abstained from the damaging mind effects of porn and how they would feel better longer without it.

Flaws in Marriage

Marriages are a great blessing and joy to those who have made the commitment to love and care for another for the rest of there lives. I think how in marriages there is the "honey moon" phase in the start of the marriage. but after this beautiful phase it seems for many the reality of a marriage really sets in and spouses learn that there are differences between them that seem like unchanging. These differences most likely will never fully go away but they can be helped.

A qoute i like from Gottman is:

"The best approach to coping with gridlock is to avoid it in the first place." Gottman

Like Gottman much of these "gridlocked" problems are helped in focusing on things away from the actual problem or difference. In marriage there should be more focus on peoples good qualites rather than there bad. if greatly focused on someones bad qualitys your not focused on them as a spouse but as less. the way to help with bad qualites is to recognize there personal efforts and understand they have a focus in trying to change and when that is done then you will be helping with there bad qualities because someone should be motivated by love. I have seen when people are criticized they seem to want to avoid those relationships unless there desperate for love and company. i have seen my brother and sister in law not have a good marriage because they would constantly argue and criticize and then they wouldnt forgive and eventually my sister in law thought the marriage was not worth it and decided to leave because she thought of herself and not sacrificing in her marriage.  

A religious qoute i wanted to share sums up how people shouldnt give up on there marriage because it is a part of the whole plan as humans on this earth;  

"on average, it takes two years for couples to realize that their marital differences will stubbornly remain a part of their relationship. After that "honeymoon" with one spouse, we can divorce, marry someone new, and enjoy a new honeymoon-for a short time. Inevitably we will find a new set of problems with the new partner. Rather than hitchhiking down the marital road, God invites us to stop, make a commitment, and cultivate our aptitude for appreciation."  Goddard  

Forgive

According to Gottman a quote I like is:

“you don’t have to resolve your major marital conflicts for your marriage to thrive”

You don’t have to see one large problem and put the rest of your marriage on hold. A marriage is filled with many issues that you will come across and some may not be easy to come together as a couple and agree on but these issues are not the sum total that makes a marriage still be worth it or not but it’s the also the friendship and support that you also have to see. 

In my own life I have seen conflicts come up in friendships and it naturally is really hard to just focus on that and how your different but I think we need to realize when there is real differences and how we need to be patient and accepting beyond the things that we can let get the best of how we see someone in a negative lighting.

Also Gottman mentioned:

“Avoiding conflict over a perpetual problem leads to disengagement”

The problems that are in marriage that don’t seem to die out are the ones that are considered “perpetual problems”. And it seems that in a marriage you need to be open on how you feel about certain issues. If you are still loving and friends and bring help and balance to each other than it should be okay to not have same opinions on things. I think that in a great marriage you needs some kinds of these problems or you could marry a clone version of yourself. Naturally there are differences in the relationship but it helps with learning to be understanding and patient and work on yourself or else you wont be as pushed to be your best self in life. I know that I have people that may make me uncomfortable but it helps me stay aware and not be selfish.

All in this process we should be thoughtful and forgiving in the growth that comes from marriage. a quote I like about forgiving says.

“people who are taught to forgive become “less angry, more hopeful, less depressed, less anxious and less stressed,” james E Faust

Equals

Gotttman has said some some powerful words:

“A man not willing to share power with his partner there is an 81 % chance that his marriage will self destruct.” Gottman

I like this quote because marriage is all about fairness. I also read and can testify from my own observance that it is not just about sharing power that will be beneficial to a marriage but it is about knowing that that power is there with the possibility of it being shared with your marital partner. Sometimes people get caught up in the linguistics of some issue so much that they may not see what there partner is seeing. The partner could and may possibly being seeing the problem in a way that is not just the mechanics but more about how you feel on any small suggestion they have on something. People sometimes just want to be heard and known that there “say” in a matter is cherished even if it doesn’t change something.

Tying in to the quote by Gottman above the whole point of marriage is to offer something into a humans life that can not be obtained solo. So since Gottman is saying that most likely there is a 81% chance of a divorce in not sharing power together then it shows how marriage is about a share of power and how man and woman need to come together and offer there inherent perspectives and desires on things shared together as a married couples. These things could be

• Children
• Income
• House appliance and decorating
• Clothes/style
• Vacations
• Recreation

Both people in the marriage can contribute to these things and make each of these overall better with both minds working on them.

Another quote I like from a religious leader says: The central feature of pride is enmity – enmity toward god and enmity toward our fellowman. Enmity means hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition. Ezra taft bension

I like this quote because part of giving our power up in a marriage is about seeing others as a equal. Even though people can have certain talents and gifts everyone especially marriage couples can and should be seen as equals. If you cant see your own spouse as a plat form of being a equal it will be hard to see others as equals like yourself and you will will be living with false notions.

Culture is Needed in Feeling United

In our readings we talked about finding meaning together as a couple. I think that is very important in any group of people. The group can be as large as the united states of America or as small as a husband and wife but still being a group. Part of what makes customs and traditions so important is it wraps around what morals you share together. Its also helps with what you show you value as a group of people. Or it can shine on what you believe makes you happy together. No group of people can feel greatly unified without have a sense of shared customs and traditions.

There were times in my life where I had close friends where we spent the majority of our time together. As we learned about each more and more we slowly developed things that we did together from the amount of time we learned about similar interests we had. An example is when I would suggest we go to a certain restaurant for lunch and usually if either one of us suggested it then it was a certain yes the we went to out for lunch. This and other things helped mold our lives into one where a sense of home was felt and also a sense of celebration on just living.


I think that having traditions and customs is the quickest way to help strangers feel like family. I also believe if where we lived, if we had these customs laced strongly into how we lived that there would be a much better environment in kids places like high schools. An environment that helped kids to do things because it made them happier rather than feeling shy because it wasn’t aware to the mass people that it was normal and acceptable and welcoming. Having customs can help normalize things that peoples may shy away from because they dont feel they are “close enough”. These things for example like dancing in public or singing, eating strange foods, asking a stupid queston and not being embarrassed, respecting your elder because it’s a noble thing is what positive and strong all around culture can fight. Its would be a beautiful place of a nation and family if all of us inspired a deeper more celebrated set of traditions, values, and culture.


To end with quote I like from Gottman from The Seven Principles for Making a Marraige Work which i like because shines light on why culture is important:

“the culture they develop together incorporates both of there dreams”

Favorite Gottman Quotes Part 2

I really like quotes from the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M Gottman. Here are some that I jotted down from chapter 4 and 5:

“Emotionally intelligent coupes are intimately familiar with each others worlds”

I like this because to have emotional intelligence you have to be aware of the other person that concerns there needs, joys, wants, struggles which is how you attune yourself to being connected with them. Also I can connect with this because if you don’t practice awareness like my some friends I know doesn’t then as pure as there intentions are to you you can still suffer from there neglect to you feelings and needs. My friend seems to forget something that bothers me but I know he loves me so I am patient with his mistakes.

“if you don’t truly know someone, how can you love them”

I like this because its talking about to have emotional intelligence you should to have a love map and know all about your partners life in as much aspects as you can of the good, bad, and ugly.

“The more you know and understand each other the easier it is to keep connected as life swirls around you”

This is referring to how knowing your spouse (love map) can help you understand when its you that’s the problem things are different or just life changes.

“fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long lasting romance”.

I like this because you need to remember goodness and appreciate you spouse throughout the week because it will help you stay in love instead of just seeing the bad in the other person. I also like this quote because if you aren’t in love with your spouse to where you want to be with them when you are away then you will be worse off. I think of how with friends I am mindful of not talking behind there back or getting them food because even though there not there what I do away from them effects when I am with them which goes along with this quote.

“the best test of whether a couple still have a functioning fondness and admiration system is usually how they view their past”.

I like this quote because this deals with on how you can tell if someone that is married becomes much too sour to even appreciate when there were happy fun and grateful times that were shared in the past to where it will be hard to revitalize the friendship and marriage and love.

I think If people have depression even in there marriage if they practice positive thoughts that over time can lift hopelessness that comes with depression even with a marriage thinking of positives with your partner when there away can help cherish them and ultimately not focus on whats going bad in your relationship.

And just to end I want to share a Christian quote from a church leader which is talking about sorrows that comes in families are very important for this life we are in and how we should look at them as a helpful educating thing rather than just negative, the quote says;

“The fall (of Adam and Eve) introduced the process by which we can learn from personal experience the central meaning of existence.” Marion G Romney

Favorite Gottman qoutes

Gottman has an array of insight about successful marriage and key principles to help in those marriages. I thought I would write down some quotes that I thought would be most helpful to people wondering how to be a better future or current spouse some day and the ins and outs or just facts about how a marriage works. According to Gottman he said:

“A romantic and sexual long term committed relationship with another human remains the greatest gift life can offer”

I like this quote because it puts into perspective what drives a humans deepest desires for life and that is to be with another person as a best friend and more importantly as a spouse.

“happily married couples.. rathe than creating a climate of disagreement and resistance.. embrace each others needs” Gottman

I like this quote because this is saying that we as people all have flaws that may weigh us down or make our marriages harder to work through but the thing in marriage is to not see these flaws as something that you should fight but as something as can help you grow as a couple and become stronger together. The key is to realize that you are a team and need to learn to work together and forgive.

“one of the saddest reasons a marriage dies is that neither spouse recognizes its value until its too late” Gottman

I like this quote because it is saying that when we have something good in life that natural thing to do is to not be grateful for it but instead you should see the true beauty of what you have. You should see all the googd things in you life as things that are a blessing and wonderful and not as good.

“the most common method recommended to resolving conflict.. is called active listening” Gottman

This is awesome because listening and doing it actively is best because it show the other that you care and want to work the problem out together

“friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial towards your spouse”

Try to see how these quotes apply to you and your relationship or others you have experienced.

Temples Serve to Bless Gods Children

I love temples!

The church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints are some of the only Christians who have temples they worship in on the earth today. In these temples is done marriages where a man and a woman can be sealed together for eternity.

As a member of the church of Jesus Christ I love being able to go the temple and be strengthened. I love as I go to the temple I can feel more peace and joy in the weeks following the temple visit. Some of the most important things in our lives are assisted by temples. As humans we desire friendship and love and another human to share our lives with. In sacred temples can a man and woman who love god and love each other seal there love for an eternity. To me this sealing by the power of god shows me how heavenly father cares and wants what we want in life and wants what makes us happy and brings us joy.

The church leader has promised some things if you attend the temple:

• ·         “You will love your family with a deeper love than you have loved before.”
• 
  
• ·         “You will learn how you can be like Him. Even the power of godliness will be manifest to you.”

I know I want a girl that is really loving and has a heart of a lion. I want to find a girl who has the kindness of snow white and the maturity of a queen. Just like the quotes above to find such a loving girl I couldn’t imagine her not being a girl who keeps a place in her heart for temple attendance and if I want those characteristics I have to be doing my part and making some time for the temple now and then.

“There is nothing in all this world as important to each of us as putting first in our lives the things of God's kingdom, as keeping the commandments, as magnifying our callings in the priesthood, as going to the house of the Lord and being offered the fullness of the blessings of our Father's kingdom” Joseph Fielding Smith

Interpretation of Liberty

The ruling that legalized gay marriage on June 26, 2015

                  In the ruling the 4 people (justices) who dissented from the majority opinion of the 6 people                        (justices) seemed to have a specific thing in common. The common things that was read from                       the 4 dissenting was marriage by nature is  a union for the needs of children.  It was said in the                     typed document of the hearing  that

”For millennia, marriage was inextricably linked to the one thing that only an opposite-sex couple can do: procreate.”

            It was also said by those dissenting in the typed document of the hearing concerning Marriage:

“It arose in the nature of things to meet a vital need: ensuring that children are conceived by a mother and father committed to raising them in the stable conditions of a lifelong relationship.”

            Interesting congress in 1996 said:

 “ civil society has an interest in maintaining and protecting the institution of heterosexual marriage because it has a  deep and abiding interest in encouraging responsible procreation and child rearing”.

My thoughts: This is sad because the government has made this law in place simply to appease peoples desires and not for the welfare of the country. Every good thing on this earth I feel can be determined as good for the person and by the people around that person. Something can not be said to be good if it is only seeming helping that one person while hurting others, and it is evident that same sex marriage does not help the future of this country; children. And it also doesn’t help the current generation that can take part in same sex marriage because part of there arguments is on money and receiving financial benefits as a heterosexual married couple, yes money is need but money has never really refined and permantly enhanced your character it just has maintained from not acting out in bad character.

Even though gay marriage is legal in the united states of America it is never to late to hope and work, and stand up for what you believe to be true.

A religious leader has said 

“The future of marriage and of countless human lives will be determined by your willingness to bear solemn witness of the Lord and live according to His gospel.” Russell M Neilson

We Need Lasting Families

Did you know some interesting facts about Marriage

• In the 1980s children 13 % of children were born outside of marriage from mothers with high school degrees. Now in the 2000’s 44 % are born outside of marriage to high school degree mothers.

• Since 1970 to 2010 more than in adult woman being married it has dropped more than 50%.

• In 1960 the median age for people getting married was for males 23 and females 20. In 2011 this age has risen to 29 for males and 26 ½ for females.

• More than 60% of first marriages are preceded by living together which back then about fifty years ago barely anyone lived together before marriage.

It seems people in society from these statistics are losing sight of the blessings and joy that comes from waiting to have sex until marriage and having kids within marriage. It also seems that people are becoming more selfish and calloused to the most beautiful things that human life can offer which is peaceful and loving family relationships which also should be considered friendships. Some people may say “well you can still be a good person and have primatial sex or a have child out of wedlock and that child can grow up the same good qaulities”. This kind of talk is not true because though its hard to see with a normal parents eyes but from a larger surveillance bad relationships are very damaging. From bad relationships children are much more likely to deal with economic hardship, also they can sometimes be stressed when they seem to be caught in the middle of the parents struggles with each other and many more things.

My opinion on these things is that I can only imagine being raised and having closing friends disliking each other and having to continue to stay connected because of a child they have shared together. That must be extremely hard to be that child. Also I think how as a person it must be hard for to find the most human love and connection possible and it end and speaking of a marriage ending there is a quote I like from Dallin H. Oaks

“The reality for most marriage problems the remedy is not divorce but repentance, often the cause is not incompatibility but selfishness the first step is not separation but reformation” – Oaks.