Family Siblings and Finances

This week I learned about how families are created and maintained with a certain set of rules that are sometimes said and others times just assumed from years of the ways people act or the way people feel comfortable. Also I was reading how when you get married it is a wonderful time but really in a marriage you grow a ton so in the future you would want your spouse to eventually change even though you think that your spouse is the best thing in the world deep down you will want your spouse to improve the more that you learn about them.

A part of these families rules is some financial ones. In these financial rules you can learn based on studies that whoever you marry they act a certain way depending on which child they are born as whether they are the fourth child or the first (being 4 total children). The content is in the the book Til Death Do Us Part by Benard Poduska. I realized that what he was saying on how kids take a role according to what placement they have in the order of 1 to 4  from all the families I have seen including by own and having 3 siblings. I notice how Poduska mentioned the 3^rd middle child liked finances for a familys to be fair. I know that when I was growing up and to this day I really am focused on being fair and I and easy going with whatever budget and seem to be good and making sure everyone is doing well in spending money. I also have seen in my own family how my little brother maxed out his credits cards and how he doesn’t know the difference between things that he needs and things that he wants like using his saving to buy a bunch of junk food. Also my brother that was the oldest does seem to like to make sure he spends money on things he needs and then he loved to spend money on things that are more for fun. I could really apply what poduska showed from professional studies in a family of siblings.

Councils

“Eventually the Church was organized into quorums and councils, with various presidencies appointed "to administer in spiritual things" – M Russell Ballard

I like how the Church of Jesus Christ of Ladder-Day Saints is organized to where the decisions are made based on councils. I like how in the past Joseph Smith was really thankful in sharing his responsibilities to David whitmer and Oliver cowdrey and how he said it was almost to much for him to bear alone. I realize how there are all kinds of people in the church and how with those different people there are different personalities that need the gifts and talents that a overall council has. I thought of how if a bishop of a ward wants to help the ward part of a ward council is that ideas can be mentioned where each part of the ward can have the a portion of time to become familiar with and to be bettered because of a council that can be held where everyone shares thoughts on bettering that group in ward service.  I know in my own family that when my mom and dad were parenting me or my sibling that I was best helped when my mom and dad would come together and join that talents and perspective to you me advice or discipline.

Another quote I like from M Russell Ballard is:

“I don't know that it is possible for any organization to succeed in the Church … without adopting the genius of our Church government. What is that? As I conceive it, the genius of our Church government is government through councils”

No major church decision is made with coming together in church councils to talk about it. I learned that when revelation is received for the whole Church of Jesus Christ of Ladder-Day Saints is when the first presidency and quorum of the twelve come together in the temple (which they do every week) and as a council get that uphold that revelation. I think of how that helps my confidence in the changes of the church to where they aren’t just one person choosing.

Pornography

In 2003 the online service Divorce Online reported that of the 500 divorce petitions it surveyed, half contained allegations concerning cybersex, inappropriate online relationships and pornography,”

“Viewing pornography can lead to loss of attention towards family, guilt and feelings of low- self esteem.”

Divorce doesn’t just happen. My brother and sister in law went through a divorce that didn’t just happen really easily but there was a bit of emotional infidelity from one of them that led them down the path of divorcing and it had to do with online dating site and relationships. But worse than online dating sites effecting couples and individuals is pornography. I read up on how prevalent porn is pornography is viewed and the statistics of it. Some of them I decided to quote:

“There are around 4.2 million pornography websites (12% of total websites) offering about 372 million pages.” – the state of the nation report

“25% of total search engine requests are pornographic” – the state of the nation report

I was amazed as much as you might be that 25 percent of daily engine search requests is pornographic. I think of how much use the internet and how much I love to search on YouTube and it crazy on how much others may be taking up that percentage for sexual explicit things online. I believe we should have better laws on control porn and that it shouldn’t be able to be looked up easily online but instead you should only be able to look at it through a monitored place providing it, like a safe place to wear people you didn’t want to encounter porn would be protected from it popping up online. I think also we should have more school education about it because I remember in my high school that for my sex ed class they didn’t really teach much and I think it was actually part of my normal physical education class. there needs to be better teaching about sex that Is appropriate and government funding to help naturally curious people with learning it. I can only imagine how much families and individuals with better lives if they abstained from the damaging mind effects of porn and how they would feel better longer without it.

Flaws in Marriage

Marriages are a great blessing and joy to those who have made the commitment to love and care for another for the rest of there lives. I think how in marriages there is the "honey moon" phase in the start of the marriage. but after this beautiful phase it seems for many the reality of a marriage really sets in and spouses learn that there are differences between them that seem like unchanging. These differences most likely will never fully go away but they can be helped.

A qoute i like from Gottman is:

"The best approach to coping with gridlock is to avoid it in the first place." Gottman

Like Gottman much of these "gridlocked" problems are helped in focusing on things away from the actual problem or difference. In marriage there should be more focus on peoples good qualites rather than there bad. if greatly focused on someones bad qualitys your not focused on them as a spouse but as less. the way to help with bad qualites is to recognize there personal efforts and understand they have a focus in trying to change and when that is done then you will be helping with there bad qualities because someone should be motivated by love. I have seen when people are criticized they seem to want to avoid those relationships unless there desperate for love and company. i have seen my brother and sister in law not have a good marriage because they would constantly argue and criticize and then they wouldnt forgive and eventually my sister in law thought the marriage was not worth it and decided to leave because she thought of herself and not sacrificing in her marriage.  

A religious qoute i wanted to share sums up how people shouldnt give up on there marriage because it is a part of the whole plan as humans on this earth;  

"on average, it takes two years for couples to realize that their marital differences will stubbornly remain a part of their relationship. After that "honeymoon" with one spouse, we can divorce, marry someone new, and enjoy a new honeymoon-for a short time. Inevitably we will find a new set of problems with the new partner. Rather than hitchhiking down the marital road, God invites us to stop, make a commitment, and cultivate our aptitude for appreciation."  Goddard  

Forgive

According to Gottman a quote I like is:

“you don’t have to resolve your major marital conflicts for your marriage to thrive”

You don’t have to see one large problem and put the rest of your marriage on hold. A marriage is filled with many issues that you will come across and some may not be easy to come together as a couple and agree on but these issues are not the sum total that makes a marriage still be worth it or not but it’s the also the friendship and support that you also have to see. 

In my own life I have seen conflicts come up in friendships and it naturally is really hard to just focus on that and how your different but I think we need to realize when there is real differences and how we need to be patient and accepting beyond the things that we can let get the best of how we see someone in a negative lighting.

Also Gottman mentioned:

“Avoiding conflict over a perpetual problem leads to disengagement”

The problems that are in marriage that don’t seem to die out are the ones that are considered “perpetual problems”. And it seems that in a marriage you need to be open on how you feel about certain issues. If you are still loving and friends and bring help and balance to each other than it should be okay to not have same opinions on things. I think that in a great marriage you needs some kinds of these problems or you could marry a clone version of yourself. Naturally there are differences in the relationship but it helps with learning to be understanding and patient and work on yourself or else you wont be as pushed to be your best self in life. I know that I have people that may make me uncomfortable but it helps me stay aware and not be selfish.

All in this process we should be thoughtful and forgiving in the growth that comes from marriage. a quote I like about forgiving says.

“people who are taught to forgive become “less angry, more hopeful, less depressed, less anxious and less stressed,” james E Faust

Equals

Gotttman has said some some powerful words:

“A man not willing to share power with his partner there is an 81 % chance that his marriage will self destruct.” Gottman

I like this quote because marriage is all about fairness. I also read and can testify from my own observance that it is not just about sharing power that will be beneficial to a marriage but it is about knowing that that power is there with the possibility of it being shared with your marital partner. Sometimes people get caught up in the linguistics of some issue so much that they may not see what there partner is seeing. The partner could and may possibly being seeing the problem in a way that is not just the mechanics but more about how you feel on any small suggestion they have on something. People sometimes just want to be heard and known that there “say” in a matter is cherished even if it doesn’t change something.

Tying in to the quote by Gottman above the whole point of marriage is to offer something into a humans life that can not be obtained solo. So since Gottman is saying that most likely there is a 81% chance of a divorce in not sharing power together then it shows how marriage is about a share of power and how man and woman need to come together and offer there inherent perspectives and desires on things shared together as a married couples. These things could be

• Children
• Income
• House appliance and decorating
• Clothes/style
• Vacations
• Recreation

Both people in the marriage can contribute to these things and make each of these overall better with both minds working on them.

Another quote I like from a religious leader says: The central feature of pride is enmity – enmity toward god and enmity toward our fellowman. Enmity means hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition. Ezra taft bension

I like this quote because part of giving our power up in a marriage is about seeing others as a equal. Even though people can have certain talents and gifts everyone especially marriage couples can and should be seen as equals. If you cant see your own spouse as a plat form of being a equal it will be hard to see others as equals like yourself and you will will be living with false notions.

Culture is Needed in Feeling United

In our readings we talked about finding meaning together as a couple. I think that is very important in any group of people. The group can be as large as the united states of America or as small as a husband and wife but still being a group. Part of what makes customs and traditions so important is it wraps around what morals you share together. Its also helps with what you show you value as a group of people. Or it can shine on what you believe makes you happy together. No group of people can feel greatly unified without have a sense of shared customs and traditions.

There were times in my life where I had close friends where we spent the majority of our time together. As we learned about each more and more we slowly developed things that we did together from the amount of time we learned about similar interests we had. An example is when I would suggest we go to a certain restaurant for lunch and usually if either one of us suggested it then it was a certain yes the we went to out for lunch. This and other things helped mold our lives into one where a sense of home was felt and also a sense of celebration on just living.


I think that having traditions and customs is the quickest way to help strangers feel like family. I also believe if where we lived, if we had these customs laced strongly into how we lived that there would be a much better environment in kids places like high schools. An environment that helped kids to do things because it made them happier rather than feeling shy because it wasn’t aware to the mass people that it was normal and acceptable and welcoming. Having customs can help normalize things that peoples may shy away from because they dont feel they are “close enough”. These things for example like dancing in public or singing, eating strange foods, asking a stupid queston and not being embarrassed, respecting your elder because it’s a noble thing is what positive and strong all around culture can fight. Its would be a beautiful place of a nation and family if all of us inspired a deeper more celebrated set of traditions, values, and culture.


To end with quote I like from Gottman from The Seven Principles for Making a Marraige Work which i like because shines light on why culture is important:

“the culture they develop together incorporates both of there dreams”